Mid chemo musings

As I come up to my next chemo session the anxiety levels rise at the same time as a little sense of relief ensues.

I will be having my 4th chemo session on Friday, that day of the week was always my favourite but it's fast becoming my worst.

I dread the reaction that I will have, the high temperature, sickness, anxiety, chemo brain fog, neuropathy, facial and limb spasms.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is temporary. This is a moment in my life that will not last forever. Out of my 32 years on this Earth, this is a blip that will earn me a 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card for the rest of my life. I have to believe this.

I will go and see parts of the world I've always wanted to see. I will have a family and if I have to fall back on the IVF route then it was a very wise insurance to take before the chemo / radiotherapy potentially rob me of fertility.

These are all things I need to do for myself, my husband, family and friends. This is a fight and struggle that I have to face up to for the almighty prize at the end. My life back.

One person who I have to thank for the discovery of my disease is no longer with us. Our beautiful daughter, Autumn. She gave me the warnings of this cancer, her life was only four weeks long, she was born far too early because of the tumour that was growing inside me. The bravest and wisest soul I have ever known. If it wasn't for her, I could be walking down the palliative route rather than the curative one.

I have a draft blog post just for her. I've been writing it for nearly 6 weeks but the memories, although wonderful are also too painful for me to recount. I will post her story when I can finish it and when I feel at my strongest.

A message from Mummy:

I love you my sweet girl, I'll never forget how you showed me how to live my life and warned me of the tumour that could have ended me. You gave your life for me, I will fight for it because of you. I'm so proud of you, my brave little bird, and always will be. I will see you again. Mummy xxx